One of the most common questions I get is "what can we do to make our marriage last?". The average rate of divorce is 50% so this a very understandable question for those entering into marriage as a life long commitment. How can you guarantee that you and your spouse are going to make it? How do you grow into the cute old couple holding hands during their morning walk? The answer may surprise you. The answer is: build YOUR resilience.
Studies have shown (SYMBIS report) that there are 5 main keys to building your personal resilience. What does this have to do with guaranteeing a long lasting marriage? If you can personally learn to do something when you do not "feel" like it, then you will likely stay together as a couple even when you do not "feel" like it. Overcoming your feelings is critical when it comes to personal growth, but also when it comes to stable and strong relationships.
What does this practically look like? Glad you asked. A simple example would be when you need to come up with the 5th dinner idea this week, you do it. If it is laundry day and the last thing you feel like doing is laundry, you do it any ways. If you have made a marriage commitment but your spouse has been distant and irritable lately, you stay the course. If there is a conversation you need to have with your spouse that is difficult, you do it for the sake of your marriage and because you are the type of person that can do hard things and have hard conversations.
Resilience will keep you together. You will be able to get through the hard and stress times whether that looks like a career change, a loss of a loved one, financial strain, or a global pandemic. You will be able to do it because you do not let anything through you off course. So, what are the 5 keys? Here they are:
Being able to make realistic goals and take steps to accomplish them. This ability is the key to success and growth. If you are able to come up with a goal, one that you think is actually possible (not run a marathon in 2 weeks when you don't run ever) and then break down the steps you need to get there, you are winning!
Confidence is yourself. This means that you are confident in your capabilities and strengths. Believing in yourself that you can do what you want or need to do is crucial to resilience. If you trust yourself to do what you have decided to do, then you will be more likely to do it. "Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're right." - Henry Ford.
Ability to communicate. The ability to clearly state what you are thinking is underappreciated by a lot of people. Marriages often have moments of miscommunication when what is being said and what is being heard is registering differently for each person. Getting to know yourself and how to get your thoughts out clearly is a lifelong journey. Public speakers run into this all the time and have mastered the craft of choosing words carefully and saying exactly what they mean. It is a skill very much worth developing.
Problem-solving skills. Are you able to find a solution when plan A did not work as planned? Getting around obstacles, innovating, thinking outside the box, breaking tradition all contribute to your ability to problem-solve. Don't let complications or environmental effects throw you off course. You can find a way, practice in the small situations and it will build your reliance for the larger scenarios of life.
The ability to manage strong impulses and feelings. This is a skill that most addicts do not have. Practice separating yourself from your body in these moments. Feelings and impulses only last a short amount of time usually. If you can find the larger, longer lasting picture in your mind and will then it will help you to master your body. I want to be clear, I am not saying you should separate your mind from your body for long, just a short time to gain perspective. I will use food cravings as an example. If you decide to go on a sugar free diet and a couple days in have the strong impulse to eat something sugary, take a breath and in your mind recall the reason for why you are not eating sugar. Separate yourself from your bodies impulses to remember what your plan was and then execute the plan. Cravings do not last long and in a few minutes they will have passed, will you have managed your craving or given into it? If you want a long lasting marriage you will have to resist feelings and impulses to keep your marriage commitment. It is worth building and developing.
Those are the 5 keys everyone! Comment below and let me know what you think!
Work with Me!
If you have the desire to build your resilience one of the best ways is to work with me! We can develop each of the skills listed above. For most people they need an extra set of eyes for perspective and goal setting, and some accountability to making the changes they want. I have helped many people become the resilient people that they were hoping to be and it is truly a gift to your boyfriend/fiance/spouse when you are able to believe in yourself and make progress like you desire to. Sign up for a FREE 15 minute consultation call on my website and lets figure out how we can set you up for a guaranteed long lasting marriage.